Kol3am wa entum bheir!

Can’t believe it’s passed. The lonely salmon that constituted my long-awaited breakfast today made me think about the religion, the world and me in it. Last night was the first night of Eid, and the last night of Ramadan month.

I had to see the sunrise yesterday! I’ve seen so many of it in the past weeks, but yesterday’s one was special. Not only because it was the last one in the long row of sleepless nights over the past month. It was the last sunrise for which I was woken up to by a friend, first sunrise when I did not have suhoor, the first sunrise, when you could forget about the clock, the urge to stuff yourself with food and water.

And I was insanely happy. I’m not a holiday person. Often the special marked days in the calendar do not make my head twirl with excitement, but yesterday, when sitting on the porch, drinking fresh juice and enjoying the sight of the sky turning from dark colorless, to grey-blue shades, I was so childlishly happy. I felt the holiday.

I loved Ramadan. It’s been tough, and there were days I was talking myself into quitting it all, but it gives me a crazy feeling of pleasure and satisfaction to know that I managed it!

I did it. I fasted. Together with my Muslim friends. I started on the day 3 of Ramadan, aiming to try for a week, and on day 4 I already knew that I had to go on until the end. Some decisions in life do not come well planned or thought through. Some choices are made in an instance, in an impulse, that can hardly be explained. When leaning against the door in Mohammad’s kitchen, and listening to my Muslim friends sharing the reasons for fasting, it hit me right there – I need to do it. Exactly, not only want to do it, but I actually felt the urge, the inner need to spend this month fasting, testing my limits, and thinking about bigger picture.

The beauty of Ramadan for me came in few precious moments.

The conversation I had with my team mates that started off the whole fasting journey for me

The minute when I told my Muslim friend that I am fasting, and the excitement and support I felt from him

The suhoor – 4:30 am breakfast – that I shared with Saba, my Pakistani friend, who cooked the food, dragged me out of the bed, and made sure I drink enough water

The invitations to the families of my friends where I could have a family iftar or, even better, suhoor

This one day when I felt helpless, worn out, weak, and so willing to break the fast; the messages I received that day from my beloved friends, for their inspiration, kind words and belief in my indurance

Those evening moments when you have the food lined up in front of you on the table, impatiently waiting with dates in your hand, and your body focused on the second when ‘adan’ or call for prayer let you graciously thank to God for one more day of fasting and have the first sip of the most delicious water

The feeling of community, belonging and bigger cause, with all those who fasted and broke the fast together with me

The nights that I spent staying up, cruising in Amman, singing on the hill top, taking pictures with my friends, watching movies and smoking arguilah

The longing for tea, water, fruits, and restraining from it, and realizing that I CAN, I HAVE the will power to tackle the toughest days of my life, knowing that once I already spent almost 30 productive, full of work & stress days fasting, and still reaching my goals.

Ramadan for me became the month of re-discovering the splendor of community and friendship, the month of I Choose, and I Can, the month of setting free.